Dear Feelings, tonight you broke me into a million pieces and made me doubt myself of being a good mother. There, I said it! Now I feel like I need another shower to wash away all that negativity.
Here I am guys, heavily pregnant at 32+weeks with an almost 3year old potty training daughter & I feel like a complete mess. Today wasn’t an unusual not so good day to be honest. If anything, it probably seemed like it wasn’t that bad at all – besides having to change her clothes 3 times after 3 wet accidents in her underpants (yes, that adds to my collection of washing for the day), cleaning the mess it made (required mopping/wiping up any trace of it), trying to maintain a semi-clean house regardless of how much my feet were throbbing or how much it affected my sciatica issue – besides all that, my day was normal/fine. Except, that tonight, after she finally falls asleep at 9pm, I am sitting at one end of her bed by her feet feeling soo overwhelmed with exhaustion and disappointment.
I was soo cranky today I forgot that she was only still my little baby. I worried about the house being clean and maintaining her routine instead of just being there for her and being happy. I kept pushing on through my day and couldn’t pin point exactly what felt out of place at the time, all that seemed wrong was ‘she’s just not cooperating with me today’. But now I realise that it was I who wasn’t being cooperative with her.
Have I failed her as a good mum? Will she grow up to remember me as a grumpy old person who just moaned all the time? How will I cope with baby 2 if ever I feel like this again? and will I feel worse and more overwhelmed? Why do I let myself do this when I know better?
I’ve cried my tears tonight and dusted it all off, and hope that tomorrow I will be more of an attentive and fun loving mum.
I guess us mums (or dads) have days like this where you just don’t know what really went wrong and you just blame everything and everyone else but yourself. It’s tough, trying to fit in to a world that you created :)
I am physically exhausted – at 32weeks (in 2days) my body feels like it needs to be floating in a warm pool right now. My feet throb through the day, my legs feel soo heavy and my sciatica is not getting any easier to put up with. My nights go something like, waking up about 3 to 4 times to move from side to side and then on my back then back to my side, and then on top of that, Aaliyah has been waking regularly for some reason so barely any sleep for us.
Weve got a few more things to buy and organise at home before bub arrives but im not in any rush. For now im trying to relax and spend more time with Aaliyah while i can, while i have her all to myself. Its weird to know that in a few weeks it wont just be ‘her’, i wont just be a mother to 1 but to 2 children. Weird! But also exciting :)
Our tiny room is being maintained and im trying to make more space for when bub arrives. Im just glad weve finally gotten a bassinet which fits perfectly next to my side of the bed. Next thing is to organise our over-stocked/stuffed closet. Makes me feel like i have way too many clothes. Its time for a wardrobe cleanup i think some time this week.
Ill be posting before and after shots of our tiny room through the week so watch this space!
Ps ive gone completely nuts with cleaning.. probably ACD????!!! 😭
Today we wokeup super early to get ready for a special event – Aaliyahs first day trial at Taras Bambinos ballet school. So we were all very excited. However, the morning quickly spiraled into anything but exciting; there were a few tantrums, she hardly did any dancing but ran and sat on me for most of the lesson. I have to applaud her for trying a few times but otherwise I was a bit let down that she didnt join in and participate.
Almost 30weeks pregnant with sciatica and a toddler who is playing up a lot does not make me a happy bubbly mum, but rather the complete opposite, something like today I should say! I was cranky, short tempered and in a lot of pain from walking and sitting. Lets not forget the cold ive just caught off Aaliyah whos only just recovering. I tried doing a bit of shopping but I was just too tired to walk around and take my time, and now that I have a child, I tend to want to always buy things for her or I feel guilty everytime i feel like buying something for myself coz I feel like i should spend it on her instead – is that normal?
Finally lying back in bed, while she tries to fall asleep, i can feel my feet throbbing and the weight of my tummy pushing down on my organs. In a way, i cant wait to have this baby, however i know itll mean more work so im sort of enjoying being a mum of just one for the moment, especially if shes going through that ‘terrible 2s’ phase.
A lot has happened since my last update sorry; with pregnancy, toddler and work I’ve just been a bit preoccupied.
So heres a quick update:
I think last time my update was introducing my 2nd pregnancy. Well soo far 2nd trimester has been some what ‘splendid’ compared to the first trimester which was pretty much horrible! I felt like I was in hell, so, next week I will be entering my 3rd trimester which I’m pretty excited about, which means I’m 27weeks today. Besides 1st trimester being awful, I’ve also had to deal with sciatica which is an ongoing issue I’ve had since my first pregnancy. It definitely makes things a lot more difficult especially with a toddler in hand.
Aaliyah has grown a lot, she is now about 2years and 7months, loves her family daycare (fdc) which is a huge relief for me. I love everything about her fdc to be honest. She’s learnt to write a few letters, her vocabulary has expanded immaculately and now we can have a normal “adult” conversation… almost :) She does have a bit of attitude at times but I find that she is just genuinely affectionate and full of curiosity. We’ve cut down on buying her toys and much less ipad/tv time. We’re encouraging her to be more creative with her arts/craft and music, focusing on her everyday manner and her vocab but also allowing her space to explore her childhood.
We are currently toilet trainning (Day 4 today!) and hoping to have her completely out of nappies both day and night by the time baby 2 arrives in October/Nov. She’s done soo well with more misses than hits but I guess that was expected. I have to commend her big time for all the hits she has made since we started and forget the misses. I think she’s got the idea and is becoming more aware of her body. Practice, persistance and patience is what we’ll focus on for now. It’s only physically draining for me with sciatica and being heavy and aching all over, but otherwise it’s not scary at all and if anything, it is the child who is going through this huge change and I just want to keep encouraging her and not scare her off in any way.
As for work; besides being a wife, mother and “house-carer”, I’m also helping out at the salon every Fridays. It’s a good break from home and to stop thinking about soo much at once. Wednesdays my only day to catchup on some rest, if the house chores allow me to. Every other day is just being at home with Aaliyah – its hard for me to go places with my hip in a lot of pain and coming up to 3rd trimester, I’d like to just relax and make sure that I don’t do too much damage to myself.
Other than that, we’re 1month away from Spring and I’m not enjoying winter at all. We spent a week travelling up to QLD to spend 3days with Nav’s family and then 3days with my family. Came home for a day to relax and unpack which I’m soo glad we did ‘coz I really needed to rest the next day with Aaliyah back at fdc. We’re in the process of getting Aaliyahs room fixed up due to the rain/storm we had MONTHS AGO, we’ve had water leak into her room and has created soo much mold. So she’s been in our room for months until this problem is solved. I’m soooooo annoyed that it hasn’t been fixed already :s
So thats all the time I have to update for now, until next time.
Its been a while since my last post sorry guys, but theres a good reason for it and I hope i can make up for it with this news….
I am 17weeks pregnant with baby number 2 :)
The first trimester was absolutely horrible – i dont even know where to begin – and only in the last 2.5weeks have i felt a bit of relief.
Its definitely challenging especially when I have to care for my 2.5year old who is continuously going through phases every week and its hard to juggle things like i use to. Going out and seeing friends has been really hard and I thought that if I drove it would make things easier… but tbh being in any car for more than 15min makes me nauseas and i can barely handle it because im exhausted. So i refuse to get in the car unless i really have to.
Im glad my toddler has started family day care so that i atleast 2days at home to rest a bit.
So anyway thats the news :) Looking forward to sharing more along the way as this pregnancy progresses.
My not so little girl sits up in her bed – its nap time – and she plays with her little books; making faces, talking to herself, then suddenly eating at the book asif food were coming out of it. She seems soo content, safe and happy. After a few minutes, she curls up into a little ball and hugs her “conforter” and just lays there in silence while fixing her eyes on one object in her room. As the music plays lullabies in the background, her eyelids become sort of heavy and she struggles to keep them open.
Where has time gone? Its scares me to think that in a few years she wont be this little girl anymore. That all this will just be the past and all ill have will be great memories and the lines on my tummy.
Note to self: Treasure these moments, I will never have them back!
And shes fast asleep, still curled up in that same position, with her conforter next to her and the sound of “hush little baby” in the background.
…. its been a beautiful 5min just spent in her presence.
Ok I feel like I have to do a recap on my whole life it seems – that’s a slight over exaggeration – but let me just pick at my brain and see what I can remember…
1. Aaliyah started Family Daycare (FDC) on the 9th of December for two days a week. On her first day I was a complete wreck ( yes… just me ) – literally walking around the whole day like a headless chicken! I balled my eyes out the moment I turned the corner and it was just a messy day for me. Aaliyah on the other hand was completely fine and did not shed a tear, though upon picking her up, I could tell she really missed us! The next few days of attending were hard for her because she knew what to expect – mummy and daddy will leave me here! Throughout the day however she would eventually settle and join in with all the activities and has even been taking her naps there – that was one of my worries, that wouldn’t settle down to sleep.
So just as we are all adjusting to this new and wonderful change, we find out that the FDC will be closing as they are moving to another State! Noooooooooooooooo :'( I’m more sad for Aaliyah, that she will have to resettle somewhere else. So this morning I’ve been making a couple calls to try and organise that as soon as possible as we approach this busy festive season :( I doubt anything can be done in the next couple days! How annoying!
2. Naysan, a close family friend and also a business partner of ours has recently moved back to Australia yay. We’ve had the pleasure of having in visit us in Sydney a few times in the last two weeks and it’s been lots of fun. His youngest sister Guli and husband Danny have also moved to Sydney from England and we get to hang out with them maybe once or twice a week since they’ve moved here. They’re pretty funny people hahaha. Aaliyah is slowly growing a bond with them which is cute to see.
So with Naysan visiting us, it also means work for me at times. We’ve been friends for many years and first formed this bond through music – he managed a musical performance group I was apart of. But now I’ve gone solo and he has played a huge part of its growth and progress. In the last two weeks, we’ve been getting my Baha’i Album done called “Listen” and we’re hoping to have it complete before he leaves… AGAIN… to work overseas! Sigh* So that’s the plan today while I have the whole day to myself… to get my album over and done with!
3. We did our first Christmas family shopping yesterday! I had soo much fun! Although I feel bad because I want to be able to send my family gifts… I just don’t have the money to do that. And buying gifts for Nav’s family and our close friends here in Sydney is that best that we can do with what we have. Not to mention Aaliyahs 2nd birthday thats coming up on the 27th! We’ll be celebrating it with a picnic at the beach on the 28th with close family and friends :) So a bit of food, sun, fun and cake it is for the day!! What more could Aaliyah want ;) Oh Aaliyah would also like to donate a few of her things – toys & clothes – to a charity. So that would be her gift to others on her birthday :) She’s only turning 2 so I doubt she’d completely understand the gesture or even remember this, but I will keep it for her to visit in the later future… I’m sure she’d love to hear about it someday!
4. Baby #2…. no other comment except for … it’s in the process and we’re all just waiting.
I think Aaliyah needs a proper update of her own which I’ll do very soon before Christmas hopefully. But incase I don’t have time…
I’ve been M.I.A since my last post a while ago. The only time I get to properly go through my phone is during Aaliyahs naps or at night as I sit near her while she tries to sleep.
Not much has happened although Aaliyah has grown a bit more.
Learning and remembering songs and randomly singing them aloud during the day is one of the many things im loving at the moment. She has also started the “I’m gonna call you as many times as I can until you respond properly” phase. It can get quite annoying sometimes, other times its funny.
She doesnt get out much as our area is not that safe and not exactly kid friendly to be honest. Atleast at our last place we had parks to go to near by, shops were close, we had a little market every saturday near us and it was closer to work for Nav. So I hope we move back there after a year or so.
I’ve organised to take her out on Wednesdays to the MCA for artplay and then Saturdays will be to take her to see her papa at the other salon. I’m also planning for her to do swim lessons every sunday mornings and to also start Family daycare.
Were still kind of trying for baby #2 and at times it really upsets me as time passes because the age difference between our kids would atleast be 3years. Sucks. I really wanted them to be close. Probably because I have siblings close in age and I know the many benefits of it.
I’ve finally started sewing again so its a bit stressful trying to organise that and look after Aaliyah. Makes me feel soo bad that I ignore her sometimes and I should take her out, so maybe I should just quit with the sewing?!
Oh Nav coloured my hair (pic) on the weekend :) Not exactly what I wanted but its still nice.
Anyway about 5-6 more weeks until Aaliyah turns 2!! Time flies!
oh shes asleep now, finally, and its only 9:17pm 😒 Time to shower and eat and sleep before she wakes again.
So weve moved in with Nikki (navs mum) about 6weeks ago, and how I felt at the beginning is not exactly how I would describe right now.
Its not that bad living with another family member like I thought it would be. I still get my own space and time and I can do most things I did at home here too. I guess the upsides of being here is that we get to keep her company and we also save a bit of money. The downside is its not my own place so I have to keep it clean all the time and I cant really refurnish the place. But life goes on.
As for my little Aaliyah, she is 1year and just over 9months now. Her vocabulary has exceeded my expectations and her knowledge and memory is just getting better. Her speech too, fascinates me. When did this all happen? I dont feel soo much like an idiot when I have conversations with her about everything. She is able to tell me what she wants and doesnt want most times. Its crazy. She really enjoys running around and making me run with her, “run mama run” she would say. Shes learning to put her own clothes on but is still learning to use the toilet.
I look at her sometimes and wish soo much that she had a little sister or brother to grow with. During this phase of her growth especially, it would have been really nice and more productive for her.
Aaliyahs playtime at the MCA yesterday morning. Had lots of fun exploring.